Okay let us start from the beginning, I was raised by my mother and grandparents. My mom was wonderful and did the best that she could but there were times that fast food was the only option with our busy schedules.
A lot of my time was spent with my grandparents who believed that a “Hardy” appetite is a “Healthy” one. My grandma and grandpa would always encourage me to finish my plate and at times when I was not finishing my food, I was told, “Mija you look so thin, you need to eat!” I also remember when I would go grocery shopping with my grandparents, pretty much the sky was the limit. I could have any snack or treat that I wanted with no question asked. I was their only grandchild therefore; they spoiled me sometimes too much.
I do not blame my family for my decisions as an adult but I have always been overweight since I can remember. When I was around the age of 7, my stepfather put me on a very strict regimen which I did lose weight but once my parents separated that changed.
For the most part growing up I never really saw my weight as an issue. Don’t get me wrong in elementary school sometimes kids would tell me that I was fat but it never really hurt my feelings because at a very young age my uncle would always tell me they are just jealous because you are bigger than them. So I never really got hurt when people would say something about my weight. It literally would go in one ear and out the other. As a kid, I did play a lot outside. I had cousins through my stepdad and we were always playing but looking back a lot of the time that we were playing I would either be sitting or standing but not too much activity. In PE, I loved to play kickball and baseball but always hated to have to run.
In junior high, again, I would hear little digs sometimes thrown at me for being overweight but really, it never seemed to bother me. My closest friends were overweight all my life as well and some larger than others or smaller but I never saw size I just saw my friends. I never felt out of place or uncomfortable. The only time I physically felt uncomfortable was during PE. I hated to run, jump, play basketball, etc… any sport involving heavy physical activity and sweating I was not okay with. I remember having my mom speak to my PE teacher about me not participating in a gymnastics course because I knew there was no physical way possible that I was about to climb a rope or lift my body up onto some hanging rings. Of course, the teacher accommodated and allowed me to write a paper on gymnastics instead. Unfortunately, this did not do anything for me physically but at the time, I thought it was awesome because I got out of doing something I did not want to do.
When I begin High School that summer I took a PE class so I would not have to take PE at the actual High School and again I was able to get myself out of actually having to participate physically. I spoke with the teacher at the time and convinced him that I would be better suited in assisting him with his filing in his office, which he agreed and allowed. Once again, I thought I won but really, I did not. The physical exercise would have done me good. I know many people say that high school is the place where their peers tortured them if they were overweight but my high school experience was quite the opposite. I had many friends of different shapes and sizes and really did not pay attention to those who may have made comments or try to make me feel less than. In fact I ran for homecoming queen my senior year and won. I had a boyfriend and a good high school life but there were times where I felt that I needed to look better. I would see girls who at the time I felt had everything based on looks but I know now that is not everything.
I have tried Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Herbalife and many other diets but I have never been successful because I do not always follow through.
In 2005, I began working for a company called LA Weight Loss; part of my job was that I participated in the weight loss program. At that time, I lost a total of 75 lbs. I was ecstatic I felt great, energetic and beautiful. When the company closed its stores in New Mexico in 2007, I went back to old habits.
As I have stated above I have always been confident for the most part but as the years have passed, my confidence slowly began to diminish.
Fast forward 10 + years since graduating I was at my heaviest weight of 330 lbs.! The weight has been creeping up over the years. I have yo-yo dieted multiple times but again I never fully follow through. What I say will be my cheat meal turns into a cheat day or weekend. So then, all the progress I have made the past week goes out the window once I eat crappy again. I am a local singer of a popular variety cover band and when I sing I don’t care what I look like because what radiates is who I am and what I feel inside but later when I see the video footage or unflattering images I begin to feel down.
I used to want to lose weight for vanity, love, and to be honest self-worth. I use to think that if I lose weight maybe I will meet someone. Maybe I will be worth someone’s love maybe someone would view me as their everything. Maybe I will no longer be given the “just like a sister” friend zone bullshit.
But NOW, I could care less about those things. Those things will come in time when God sees it right for me. My why is because I said so! My why is because I decided no more. My why is because I want to feel better, I want to be better. I am a singer first and if I want to pursue any dreams of being a singer, I need to refocus my attention to what I need to do to be the best.
So here, we go Day 1!